I'm Coming Out...of the Dugout

I have lived in silence for too long. I've lied to the world too long. I've lied too myself too long. I can bear it no more. I'm out, America. I'm coming out of the closet...by admitting to the world and most importantly to myself that I cannot tolerate baseball. It is the most mind numbingly boring sport that exists. I can hardly stand to watch two consecutive pitches without changing the channel. Below, I will catalogue in detail while baseball is an inferior sport and does not warrant our viewing.

Reason 1: It's F*%#ing Boring

This is perhaps the most obvious reason. The fact is there is not enough action. For a 3 hour game, fans see an average of just under 18 minutes of actual gameplay. What comprises the rest of the game you wonder: a bunch of nut scratching, spitting, undoing and redoing of batting gloves, eyeing the man on first base, and waiting. The greatest invention in all of sports is perhaps the 24 second shot clock. When baseball introduces the 12 second pitch clock, I just may be able to stomach watching a half-inning without changing the channel. Now I do enjoy going to games if the company is good and the beers are under nine dollars, but three innings worth of conversation could pass and I could completely forget that I'm at a game. For football and basketball, the environment is so powerfully consuming that losing sight of the goings-on in a game is virtually impossible.

Reason 2: Too Many Games

This only enhances the effect of reason 1. 162 games completely waters down the impact of every game played. Every walk off, every home run saving web gem, every instance of late inning heroics becomes utterly forgettable because it feels there is so little at stake. Even late in the season, it's extremely difficult to act as though you give a damn about a single game. For football, every game counts from day one. For basketball, this is less true, but based off of the number of games, every game roughly twice as important as any baseball game.

Let me break down the circumstances under which I will watch any of three major sports

Football: If it's televised, I'll watch it (even Thursday Night Football with the Jaguars playing the Rams)

Basketball: If it's two good teams or my team, I'll watch it (Clippers vs. Trailblazers)

Baseball: If it's a significant playoff game for my team, I may watch it (Yankees vs. Angels in Game 7 of ALCS)

Reason 3: What Athletes?

John Kruk

Reason 4: Baseball analysis is generally limited to obvious statements or things that have just happened

I can break down the strategy in football or at least observe an identify the strategy as it is occurring. For example, in football, you could say, "The Jets are so predictable with how they use the run." In basketball, you might say, "they need to start attacking the basket." For baseball, the strategy never seems too varied. For those reasons, fans are generally limited to obvious observations, such as "he missed his spot"or "Their bats aren't showing up tonight."

Reason 5: Coaching seems very minimal

You give me a World Series caliber team, I could coach them to at least the playoffs. Point being, coaching is non-existent. I guess that's why they call them managers. Except for those very crucial situations (see Reason 2) in which they call for the steal or their fielders to shift, there is very little directing that happens. Now I don't witness the practices, but it seems like most of the players have presumably honed their craft by the time they're in the majors. I'll put it to you like this. You hand pick the best five players in the league and put them on the same squad with me coaching, I don't think I could get them out of the first round of the playoffs. For football, give me the most talented 11 on both sides of the ball, I don't think we'd make the playoffs. For baseball, give me a all-star quality 9 with a top notch rotation, I don't think it's unreasonable for us to win the World Series.

Reason 6: I've seen it all

Sportscenter, spare me another web gem. The home run robbing catch at the wall, the sliding shoestring catch, the flick with the glove for the double play, barehanded catch and throw to 1st. Spare me. I've seen it all.


As I write this, I grow tired. I guess the only thing more boring than the game is talking about it. I know I've left off some other reasons, such as PEDs, the bullshit nostalgia culture, Field of Dreams as perhaps the most overrated sports movie of all time.

All I know is that it feels good to get this off my chest. Finally, my love for baseball is going, going, gone!